Why I Like to Cry

All two of you who read this must look at this title and truly think: "What?" So let me rephrase: Why I enjoy tears. Now that's still pretty bleak and depending on who you ask a bit fucked up. So allow me to explain myself.

I have recently (last 4 months or so) been on the record several times saying that I "don't cry" "don't like to cry" or "am not a fan of crying". These are all true statements. From a very young age even when I was spanked for misbehaving (which I appreciate my parents doing seeing as I was a little shit) I would burst out in tears, When I showed my parents a bad grade or told them I was sent to the principles office again, tears, every time. I must have cried over actual spilt milk at one point honestly it was pretty bad. But since seventh grade my crying has gone down, but I would be willing to bet my tears haven't stopped. All of those quotes above I believe are 100% true with one little note at the end: *in public*. My personality really stops me from being anyone but my full, happy, joking, devilishly handsome self in front of others and everyday I'm thankful to the big man upstairs for that, I know some people that would probably kill for the ability to just wake up with a smile on there face, constantly. So this is why I enjoy crying. 

I tell people that I didn't cry at the end of Marley and Me. I was recently responded to that declaration with: "Dude. Hitler cried at the end of that movie..." So there you have it folks, I'm worse than Hitler. But wait, there are 3 movies I have cried watching. 1st is We Are Marshall, about the 1985 Marshall Football team that almost all died in a plain crash, and the program's struggle the following season to field a team let alone win a game. 2nd is Remember the Titans, I really hope my friends have at least seen this movie. And the third kind of counts as a movie but not really. Its the video recording of "A Concert for New York", which was the musical benefit concert for first responders after 9/11. 

For six years now only 2 things have been able to make me cry. Sports and Music. In 2010 my great grandmother died, she was 100, we all went to the funeral, I didn't cry. That was in March of that year. If I get a bad grade or in trouble for anything sudo-serious I no longer break down when explaining it to my parents. And I try to keep a level head especially when I'm dealing with delicate issues of friends and family, I like to think that if I'm trying to be there for them, they shouldn't have to worry about me. I have also been blessed with a very safe, sheltered, healthy life. My Aunt and Grandfather died when I was 3 my great grandmother who was 100 was my first real death, and it seemed her time which is how I always rationalized not crying at the funeral. But over time I've realized that I didn't need to cry at the funeral, because you can't play American Pie by Don McLean and not have me belting it out a bit teary eyed. That song was my great grandmothers favorite so all the grandchildren knew the song, all 8 min and 6 glorious verses of it. 

That's my first example of why I like crying. The other thing that I said can make me cry is sports. Now I am a life time New York Mets, Jets, and Knicks fan, and for those of you who don't follow sports, recently they have all sucked. But there is a certain chip on your shoulder you have to carry as a fan of the "lesser NY sports teams", a certain lovable loser quality. But there are points when these losers do great things. I need you non baseball fans to bear with me as I describe to you the one sequence of events that can get the water works flowing faster than any Nicolas Sparks book or Natural disaster. 

In 2001 the Mets we not bad, they were actually pretty good finishing 2 games over .500. But usually as the season winds down in September the teams like the Mets who won't make the playoffs tend to ease off the petal a bit. Then on September 11th, about a 15 train ride from the Mets home field in Queens, 2 plains crashed into 2 towers and forever changed America. Now I was in Kindergarden at the time and didn't really know what was happening. But around age 16 I heard about how the Mets played the first professional sporting event in NYC after the attack. So I looked it up. It was true, on September 18th the Mets took the field against the Atlanta Braves, their major rival. The night was remembered for 2 things Diana Ross's cover of "Theme to New York, New York" during the 7th inning stretch and my favorite baseball moment ever. In the bottom of the 8th with a man on first, the Mets down 2-1, the Catcher and Captain of the Mets, hit a 2 run home run to left center field. Now that may not sound too special... but watch the video, 56,000 fans thought they were going to watch the Mets lose another close game to their rivals, right after the towers had fallen, but when the ball landed out side of the fence I bet my 6 year old ears heard that stadium in Rhode Island.

 So now you say "cool Fonts, what's your point?" Well my point is that I cry not for the tragedy, I cry not for the dead, I honor them, pray for them, remember them, but I cry for the ones who are still living, the ones that need to pick their heads up and continue despite the absence of the ones they lost. That home run did not honor the ones lost in the towers, that home run showed people that the Mets could still win ball games, that tomorrow those fans could go and talk about the game like they did on September 10th. And that is the impact music has on me too. When Billy Joel sings Miami 2017 and New York State of Mind to a Madison Garden full of fire fighters and police men, or when Bruce Springsteen sing My City of Ruins to a New Jersey wiped out by a huricane, that's what makes me cry, that is why I enjoy crying. 

In his famous ESPY's speech, 8 weeks before he died of cancer, North Carolina State University basketball coach Jimmy Valvano said "To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special." That's it, right there.. have your emotions moved to tears, I believe it changes you, I makes you a better person. 

So that's my 10 cents this morning at 3:18am

you can check out a couple of the things I mention above at these links:

Valvano's Speech: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E

Mike Piazza Mets Home Run: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0A3hmASpDqg

American Pie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAsV5-Hv-7U

We Are Marshall Climax Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEL8PYu4RR4

Best,
Fonts

Depression

So I was inspired by the amount of homework I have to do to in fact, not do it and write this instead, this just seems more important right now.

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Depression.

This word never really meant much to me. It was a silly word adolescent Matthew used to describe how he felt when he didn't get what he wanted for Christmas or when none of his friends were around to hang out on the weekends. I stress, adolescent Matthew. This word has drastically changed my life the last 2 years in too many ways to list just in this blog post. 

For those of you who know me very well you know, first, I'm a pretty optimistic, happy-go-lucky guy, I like to fly by the seat of my pants and I go where the wind takes me. I also don't get, nor do I like to get serious often. So like in person I like to announce it: here I am. Serious. 

2 years ago the wind blew me straight through a loop where one of my biggest childhood role models at the center. On a car ride from the airport home, after my mother and I had finished my summer college road-trip, my mother received a call from her sister. This is not unusual by any means, my mom has 3 sisters that live an hour away from each other, they talked a lot. But the tone she took on the phone was not one of casual Sunday chat like I was used to hearing. It had a certain gravitas  to it that as a fairly sheltered junior in High School I was not accustomed to. After she got off the phone, we drove in silence for what felt like 100 miles before I simply asked "What was that all about?" Her response was staggered as if she was not really sure ho to approach me with the news. She eventually managed to convey to me the main message of the phone call. My grandfather, Pa as we all called him, the man who used to play with whoopee cushions and joke books, was diagnosed with depression. When I got home, still not sure even what that meant, I looked up depression on several websites, what I found was less than reassuring for my 72 year old role model. What I saw described a dark hole that once fallen into could rarely be escaped. That slowly dragged you down until you decided it's not worth it any more, that the odds are stacked to high against you and that you are not worth it. 

No.

This was not how my grandfather was going to live out the rest of his days. He still had my grandma, my aunts, my mom, my cousins and me. He was a baseball coach at the University of New Hampshire, he was the athletic director of several schools up and down New England, this was not going to happen, not to him. So I started writing. I don't consider myself a good writer and as you all know I am usually not very inspired, this was the first time in my life I was inspired to write. So I did, I wrote, a lot, about a lot. Then I put it in an envelope and sent it to my grandfather. Since then I have continued to keep in touch more than my family pushes for, like holidays and long weekends. 

Now I wish this was the end of my blog post, that I have kept in touch and he's doing better and I proved you can beat depression. Unfortunately this is not the end. 

Recently I have spent quite a few nights staring at the ceiling thinking about two other people I know who I have recently discovered also bear that burden. For their sake they are going down as Chris and Michael. I learned about Chris first, we were friends for about a year before I heard about his situation from another friend in our friend group. At that point I had know Chris long enough to know he went through what I called "Slumps" where he would just be distant and bury himself. But it was different, you can't send friends letters and hug and kiss them at holidays, friends are there, in your life, everyday. With Chris at first I really didn't know how to handle it, and as a result I think I became distant, the opposite of what needed to happen. So like I do for so many other things in my life, I but on a smile and tried to joke my way through it. I still hung out, chilled, wrote music and gamed with Chris, the whole time trying to make light of everything. And I think , at least I hope, it was working. 

Michael on the other hand I just learned about recently, and honestly it caught me a little off guard. Michael is a strong person, he is open to his own emotions and very in touch with other people's, something I envy greatly about him. Hearing him tell me out of the blue was a little concerning at first. I coaxed it out of him, I could tell something was up so I figured it was a small trifle I could work through with him like I had before. And now as guilty as I feel for making him tell me, I feel an even greater responsibility to Michael to help him. 

Now do not misunderstand me. People dealing with depression are not animals with a limp, they are not completely dependent on us so I don't expect either of them to react particularly well to this post. I just really need to tell someone about this. See, I'm not very good at putting my deepest feelings into words mainly because I feel things stronger than I can particularly explain them. So to Pa, Chris and Michael, really the only thing I want you to get out of this is that you will not be depressed forever. I simply won't allow it. My resolve is to to great to allow my friends, my FAMILY, to deal with this alone. I will always be there for you. By email, my text, by gift, by Hallmark card, by Skype and my late night talks on campus. There is too much sadness in the world that I can do nothing about, I have been too blessed in this life to not pay it forward. 

To Pa, Chris and Michael,

Love you. 

...Whoops...

Hello everyone,

So... I've fallen a little behind on this whole "blogging" thing. And that is my fault. OR IS IT? Nope, definitely my fault. Well I am here now to atone for the weeks that have passed (5 or 6?) without any news from me.

So, you want news? Well you're going to get it anyway.

I just got back from Columbus Day (don't even get me started on this holiday) weekend during which I took 3 cars, 4 planes, a train, and a solid pair of sneakers to go from Richmond VA to Portsmouth RI and back. Back in Rhode Island I saw who I consider to be my best friends for a solid day of shenanigans which saw me pick up a very large pizza tab :/, nail the winning cup of soda pong staring down the devil in the form of my lead singer, jamming to what ever the fuck was on my iPod, and a solid jam sesh with the boys that got me so excited I wanted to literally quit school and go on tour right then and there.

THAT BRINGS ME TO POINT #2

Whether you know me well or just love my amazingly clever tweets, I hope you know that the 3rd most important thing in my life right now, behind friends(family) and school is my band Everything or Nothing. Me and 4 of my best friends joined up to make music last December and have had a blast over the last 10 months writing, recording, and playing that music live. It's a big commitment that we have finally seen come through with our debut single "Less than Likely" going live on Youtube (link at the bottom of the post). We have worked really hard on this album and are getting ready to write new music too so I hope you give us a listen.

So I'm gonna narrow the microscope a little with point 3. I know quite a few people who have been dealing with some shit recently and honestly my least favorite part about being down in Richmond is not being able to help you guys out with your problems. Some timely skype calls are fun but can only do so much. even though I'm usually the last one to know when something important happens, I really wish I could be there more for you guys and please, if your having a shitty day, call, text, skype, I'm probably not doing anything important, and if I am, I'll make time. Just a friendly reminder.

So if my math is correct, which it hardly ever is, I'll be seeing everyone back in Lil Rhody in 40 days. If you're REALLY lucky, I might throw one or two more of these up here, if you're not, sorry.

Please, please, please, don't be strangers,
I gotta get back to homework now...
these were the basics for now...
Fonts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui7RAIIszQA