So just in case y'all haven't heard, I've turned 20 recently and it really has had me thinking the last couple nights about a lot of things.
20 is weird because you really can't do anything new that you couldn't do when you were 19 but their's something about being in your 20's that makes you do some self examining. Such as who you know and how and why you know them. What you've accomplished, both professionally and casually. Maybe even what you've failed to do. My turning 20 means that by the end of July my brothers will be 17 and 13, which is weird because when I was 17 I hadn't even started playing bass yet, and when I was 13 I had a better chance of being starting pitcher for the Mets than being a rock star. So that alone has had me thinking about how much can and probably will change between the time I'm 23 and 27, life times seemingly switch on you and it's really incredible.
But funny enough the more you change the more you seem to stay the same. Sure my music taste has altered slightly since Junior year of High School and maybe I've lost some hair up top but everything still seems to be in working order for the most part. The people I'm closest with are changing too but this kind of change isn't disheartening in the slightest, I get a sort of fatherly pride when I see how my younger friends are turning out, it really is a sight to behold. Sure I'm drifting away from some, but I'm confident that if I had to, my best friends could be assembled in a day tops.
Personally, after two years of college, frankly I'm terrified. I've filed taxes and have an apartment waiting for me back at school in August if that's not 100cc's of responsibility I don't know what is. Life is moving so quickly and as much as I try to take everything in stride and going with the flow, sometimes I worry. I worry if I'm not doing enough to make my life a life worth living, or worse, that I'm wasting time on things that I could be doing better or somewhere else, or with someone else. I'm constantly double checking my past decisions to see if there are improvements to be made. Sometimes I think to myself "wow I can't wait to be a parent, that will be so amazing" but at other times I wonder how I'm keeping myself together, let alone a family. There's still so much of the world and myself left to explore and learn about and question but with every year I feel like I get a tick of freedom but lose two ticks of available time. When I think about the future the best thing I can describe it as is an eclipse. It's a bright fucking star shining right in my eyes, with a big black hole of mystery covering 90% of it and if I look at it for too long I get a massive headache.
I'm even feeling older as we speak. 11:19pm has me feeling gassed and I woke up at 10am this morning. Between my need for sleep and my desire to read books I fear the end is neigh. But all things considered life at 20 seems both all it's cracked up to be but also dreadfully lacking, but lets see what the next 360 days of 20 have to offer, perhaps then I can see a little more clearly... or not, because my 21st birthday will be immediately followed by a period of mild to severe confusion... but that's future me's problem.
As always,
Best,
Your Late Night Problem Solver
