I'm Tired

So last night I was a little stressed out from a long day of student teaching and decided to relax with my roommates… I got a little too high. This led to me sleeping through my first 3 alarms this morning. So at 7:18am I had to bolt out of bed, throw on my jacket and tie with an extra thick slab of deodorant to cover the smell of my sleep and lack of preparation. I had also in the early morning panic forgot to grab my lunch and morning coffee sitting on the kitchen table. So here I was on hump day when I see my two biggest classes. Great kids each and everyone. Some need a little… *ehem* encouragement to pay attention in class but when they get it they get so excited. But needless to say they can be a chore sometimes. Today was one of those days, we had to move on from our lesson and they were giving me a really tough time. As a brand new teacher this was frustrating but I can see a little clearer a full meal and 4 hours later where I could’ve improved on my end. Teaching can be a challenge but it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done… which makes what I saw on tv when I got to dinner tonight that much harder to see.

For what seems like my entire college career every few months or so I’ve walked into the dinning hall on campus and fox news will be on the tv in the first room and it’ll be showing a breaking news headline about a mass shooting somewhere. Sometimes a school, sometimes a nightclub sometimes a concert of some kind and every time I would think about the families and how robbed they must feel and how sad the whole thing is. But today was different. Today was the first school shooting to make national news since I’d entered the class room to student teach and I felt a totally different reaction. It was a combination of two emotions I’m not all that familiar with… I was simultaneously in a white hot rage and totally consumed by hopelessness. Now I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m pretty optimistic, but today all I could imagine what I would be like if even one of my students, that I’ve only known for a month had something happen to them. The immediate follow up thought was what kind of media shit storm would fly through following it. The anti gun calls, the reaction, the reaction to the reaction, and the eventual apathy and forgetfulness that leaves nothing but some tweets in its wake and an empty chair in a classroom.

It’s been a long day for me but I will be a lot longer for many in Florida today. My thoughts and prayers are with the families right now despite how hollow that sentiment might feel right now, it being Ash Wednesday I feel like they could use some looking out for tonight. My rage remains reserved for the apathetic, spineless and selfish politicians and philistines that continue to deny the existence of a problem in this country. And my hopelessness is only lessened by the belief that what I did in my classroom today and what I do everyday might make even the slightest impact on what happens in the future. I'm tired, but I get to get some sleep tonight and try again tomorrow.